Mapping Unconscious Codependence And Addiction
Several people have asked me, "how is codependence inherited?"
Inherited, Unconscious Codependence.
I will explain how I believe we inherit unconscious codependence, using an imaginary family as an example. You can use my example and format for your own family and for mapping multigenerational, unconscious codependence and addiction.
First, you must be able to identify the two unconscious codependent roles that create the destructive Addict's Loop. Remember, the two codependent roles and their destructive mechanism are unconscious and completely below conscious radar. The two unconscious roles have nothing to do with who you really are. They are unconscious, multi-generational parasites that destroy our relationships, emotional life and any spiritual connection.
The Controller - The codependent role is inherited and unconsciously learned during child/teen years. The child learns to dominate, enable, rescue and save the dependent role. The Controller can be aggressive, out spoken and usually "runs the show."
The Dependent - The codependent role is also inherited and unconsciously learned during child/teen years. The Dependent child is programmed to be broken, shameful, needy, and feels entitled to be rescued by the Controller. The Dependent is usually a "people pleaser" (saying yes when you mean no.) The Dependent role does not like confrontation and could be considered a subtle tyrant.
The two codependent roles can be obvious or disguised in the codependent's personality. The two codependent roles and their multi-generational programmed behavior will usually become obvious when the codependent gravitates (unconsciously attracts) to the opposite role to create a codependent relationship. The codependent relationship creates the destructive Addict's Loop between the two codependent roles.
Several people have asked me, "how is codependence inherited?"
Inherited, Unconscious Codependence.
I will explain how I believe we inherit unconscious codependence, using an imaginary family as an example. You can use my example and format for your own family and for mapping multigenerational, unconscious codependence and addiction.
First, you must be able to identify the two unconscious codependent roles that create the destructive Addict's Loop. Remember, the two codependent roles and their destructive mechanism are unconscious and completely below conscious radar. The two unconscious roles have nothing to do with who you really are. They are unconscious, multi-generational parasites that destroy our relationships, emotional life and any spiritual connection.
The Controller - The codependent role is inherited and unconsciously learned during child/teen years. The child learns to dominate, enable, rescue and save the dependent role. The Controller can be aggressive, out spoken and usually "runs the show."
The Dependent - The codependent role is also inherited and unconsciously learned during child/teen years. The Dependent child is programmed to be broken, shameful, needy, and feels entitled to be rescued by the Controller. The Dependent is usually a "people pleaser" (saying yes when you mean no.) The Dependent role does not like confrontation and could be considered a subtle tyrant.
The two codependent roles can be obvious or disguised in the codependent's personality. The two codependent roles and their multi-generational programmed behavior will usually become obvious when the codependent gravitates (unconsciously attracts) to the opposite role to create a codependent relationship. The codependent relationship creates the destructive Addict's Loop between the two codependent roles.
Let's begin with the parents in my family example. The goal is to identify which parent inherited the Controller role or the Dependent role.
First, draw a small circle and put an "M" on top of it for your "Mother" and across from it, another circle with "F" on top of it for your "Father". Let's say the mother in my example inherited the Controller role and the father inherited the Dependent role. I would write "C" (for controller) inside the mother's circle and "D" (for dependent) inside the father's circle. After you identify your parent's codependent roles, draw a small "Addict's Loop," or write "AL" between them. This establishes that the destructive Addict's Loop has been created between your mother "C" and your father "D.
Below the circles for your mother and father, draw circles for your siblings. For example, the firstborn in my example is a male named "John." I would draw a circle and write "J" on top of it to represent "John". The next question is what codependent role did John inherit? Is he a Controller or Dependent? Does he "run the show" and attempt to control and rescue the Dependent role, or is he needy, passive aggressive, and takes a back seat and expects the Controller to rescue and save him? It can help to identify his codependent role by what John gravitates to in his romantic relationships.
In my example, I've identified that the first child, "John," inherited the controller role. Inside the circle with "J", on top, I would write "C" for controller.
First, draw a small circle and put an "M" on top of it for your "Mother" and across from it, another circle with "F" on top of it for your "Father". Let's say the mother in my example inherited the Controller role and the father inherited the Dependent role. I would write "C" (for controller) inside the mother's circle and "D" (for dependent) inside the father's circle. After you identify your parent's codependent roles, draw a small "Addict's Loop," or write "AL" between them. This establishes that the destructive Addict's Loop has been created between your mother "C" and your father "D.
Below the circles for your mother and father, draw circles for your siblings. For example, the firstborn in my example is a male named "John." I would draw a circle and write "J" on top of it to represent "John". The next question is what codependent role did John inherit? Is he a Controller or Dependent? Does he "run the show" and attempt to control and rescue the Dependent role, or is he needy, passive aggressive, and takes a back seat and expects the Controller to rescue and save him? It can help to identify his codependent role by what John gravitates to in his romantic relationships.
In my example, I've identified that the first child, "John," inherited the controller role. Inside the circle with "J", on top, I would write "C" for controller.
So far, the mother has inherited the Controller role "C", and the father has inherited the Dependent role "D" and John has inherited the Controller role "C". In my family example I have two Controllers and one Dependent.
Now lets look at the next child born in my family example. I have established that the first child born, John, is a "C" for the Controller role. Can you guess what codependent role the next child born will inherit? Yes, most of the time the next child will inherit the dependent role, "D," and here's the creepy part of inherited codependence: the next codependent role has been assigned before the parents decide to have another child. Let's say you're the
next child. Before you're conceived or your parents even think of having another child, the Dependent role has been assigned and waiting for you. You and your parents have no choice in the matter; you will inherit the Dependent role because your first sibling, John, inherited "C," the controller role.
Now lets look at the next child born in my family example. I have established that the first child born, John, is a "C" for the Controller role. Can you guess what codependent role the next child born will inherit? Yes, most of the time the next child will inherit the dependent role, "D," and here's the creepy part of inherited codependence: the next codependent role has been assigned before the parents decide to have another child. Let's say you're the
next child. Before you're conceived or your parents even think of having another child, the Dependent role has been assigned and waiting for you. You and your parents have no choice in the matter; you will inherit the Dependent role because your first sibling, John, inherited "C," the controller role.
Let's see how many destructive Addict Loop's have been created in my example.
The Addict's Loop has been created between the mother, "C" and father, "D". That's one loop. Next, between the first child John, "C," and his father, "D," and also John, "C," and the next sibling born, who inherits the "D" Dependent role. That's two more loops. So far, three destructive loops have been created between the family relationships. The second child (John's sister or brother) has inherited the Dependent role, "D", and has one loop between the mother, who is a "C." A total of four destructive loops have been created between the family of four.
Here's the breakdown of my example and it's inherited unconscious codependence.
Mother - Controller role
Father - Dependent role
1st child "John" - Controller role
2nd child - Dependent role
3rd child.... ? Can you guess? Yes, most of the time it's a controller role
“C”.
Here are a few examples of how codependence travels.
C, D, C, D, C,D
C,C, D,D, C,C, D,D,
Do you see how unconscious codependence checkerboards or pairs its two codependent roles throughout a family? Inherited codependence is one step ahead and creates the destructive Addict's Loop between each sibling and parent.
The Addict's Loop has been created between the mother, "C" and father, "D". That's one loop. Next, between the first child John, "C," and his father, "D," and also John, "C," and the next sibling born, who inherits the "D" Dependent role. That's two more loops. So far, three destructive loops have been created between the family relationships. The second child (John's sister or brother) has inherited the Dependent role, "D", and has one loop between the mother, who is a "C." A total of four destructive loops have been created between the family of four.
Here's the breakdown of my example and it's inherited unconscious codependence.
Mother - Controller role
Father - Dependent role
1st child "John" - Controller role
2nd child - Dependent role
3rd child.... ? Can you guess? Yes, most of the time it's a controller role
“C”.
Here are a few examples of how codependence travels.
C, D, C, D, C,D
C,C, D,D, C,C, D,D,
Do you see how unconscious codependence checkerboards or pairs its two codependent roles throughout a family? Inherited codependence is one step ahead and creates the destructive Addict's Loop between each sibling and parent.
Let's add one more element to our codependent mapping .... the addict. The addict inherits both codependent roles, the Controller and Dependent, and rotates them. Let's use my example again.
Mother - "C" Controller
Father - "D" Dependent
1st child - John "C" Controller
Let's say the next child is an addict. Which codependent role will be dominant in the addict? John is a "C," so ... yes, the dependent role, "D," will be dominant, with a back seat controller role. The addict's unconscious codependence is a "Dc." The addict will have the Dependent role as his dominant personality, with a back seat Controller.
Let's say a third child is born who also is an addict. The third child's dominant role will most likely be a "C," the Controller role, with a back seat Dependent. The addict's unconscious codependence will be "Cd."
C, Dc, Cc
Because the addict inherits both codependent roles, he will gravitate to twice as many destructive codependent relationships and create twice as many "loops." The addict's surrounding relationships become an unconscious (no awareness) pain-making and destructive mechanism.
You can continue mapping your family's codependent tree and include your grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.
Once you map your codependent family tree, you can begin to see the roles conflicting with the personalities. This becomes your new wisdom and understanding. Each past generation has experienced similar codependence and pain, that has arrived into their generation. Counter conditioning the two codependent roles ends the multi-generational pain, that continues to unconsciously travel and destroy our families, marriages, unconditional love and authentic self.
Copyright 2015
Mother - "C" Controller
Father - "D" Dependent
1st child - John "C" Controller
Let's say the next child is an addict. Which codependent role will be dominant in the addict? John is a "C," so ... yes, the dependent role, "D," will be dominant, with a back seat controller role. The addict's unconscious codependence is a "Dc." The addict will have the Dependent role as his dominant personality, with a back seat Controller.
Let's say a third child is born who also is an addict. The third child's dominant role will most likely be a "C," the Controller role, with a back seat Dependent. The addict's unconscious codependence will be "Cd."
C, Dc, Cc
Because the addict inherits both codependent roles, he will gravitate to twice as many destructive codependent relationships and create twice as many "loops." The addict's surrounding relationships become an unconscious (no awareness) pain-making and destructive mechanism.
You can continue mapping your family's codependent tree and include your grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.
Once you map your codependent family tree, you can begin to see the roles conflicting with the personalities. This becomes your new wisdom and understanding. Each past generation has experienced similar codependence and pain, that has arrived into their generation. Counter conditioning the two codependent roles ends the multi-generational pain, that continues to unconsciously travel and destroy our families, marriages, unconditional love and authentic self.
Copyright 2015
