
Codependence And The Holidays
The Holidays can bring out the best and worst of humanity.
Many years ago, during my drinking and using days, I would disappear before the holidays into a ocean of alcohol and submerge like a nuclear submarine right before Thanksgiving. I would resurface sometime around the first week of January. I avoided and disliked the holidays, and many years later in my sobriety I discovered why.
For codependents and addicts, the holidays can be like walking barefoot across hot coals or broken glass. The holidays can revert us back into our uncomfortable but familiar childhood codependent role(s), where deep resentments still fester and harvest. Our secret hope is that someday we'll finally be understood, accepted and loved without any conditions. Basically, the holidays can become an exercise to prove one more time that we were never truly loved, visible and understood and we're still deeply hurt and resentful.
Looking back on my childhood, I consider the holidays and Christmas a set of training wheels for my addiction. The anticipated and ceremonial ripping open of the presents on the "big fix day," which was usually followed by my hidden disappointment and sadness. Christmas was like a truckload of cocaine piled under a small pine tree. I would pace, rattle and examine each brightly colored package, jonesing and anticipating Christmas day, like a detoxing addict waiting for his dealer to arrive down the chimney. Dopamine raced through my neural pathways, as I opened each present and quickly discarded them in a matter of seconds. By the new year, half my presents were broken or missing. Christmas was supposed to make me feel loved, happy and satisfied, but left me empty and sad and I didn't know why.
The Holidays can bring out the best and worst of humanity.
Many years ago, during my drinking and using days, I would disappear before the holidays into a ocean of alcohol and submerge like a nuclear submarine right before Thanksgiving. I would resurface sometime around the first week of January. I avoided and disliked the holidays, and many years later in my sobriety I discovered why.
For codependents and addicts, the holidays can be like walking barefoot across hot coals or broken glass. The holidays can revert us back into our uncomfortable but familiar childhood codependent role(s), where deep resentments still fester and harvest. Our secret hope is that someday we'll finally be understood, accepted and loved without any conditions. Basically, the holidays can become an exercise to prove one more time that we were never truly loved, visible and understood and we're still deeply hurt and resentful.
Looking back on my childhood, I consider the holidays and Christmas a set of training wheels for my addiction. The anticipated and ceremonial ripping open of the presents on the "big fix day," which was usually followed by my hidden disappointment and sadness. Christmas was like a truckload of cocaine piled under a small pine tree. I would pace, rattle and examine each brightly colored package, jonesing and anticipating Christmas day, like a detoxing addict waiting for his dealer to arrive down the chimney. Dopamine raced through my neural pathways, as I opened each present and quickly discarded them in a matter of seconds. By the new year, half my presents were broken or missing. Christmas was supposed to make me feel loved, happy and satisfied, but left me empty and sad and I didn't know why.

As an adult, the holidays became even more frustrating and disappointing. Probably our longest codependence conditioning and learning is during our child/teen years. We're basically stuck with whatever multi-generational codependent role(s) that have been handed down through our family tree. Today, I try not to blame my parents because codependence is completely under our conscious radar, and most families have absolutely no awareness that they've been hijacked. The truth is many caring, responsible and loving parents would have stopped their codependent behavior if it was conscious and identifiable.
Going home for the holidays can be loaded with emotional triggers and land mines waiting to go off. Revisiting our unconscious codependence roles can conflict with the spiritual tone of the holidays and create a self-conscious message that says "I should be happy and excited but I'm guarded, angry and sad."
Controllers can be oversensitive for having to carry the emotional load, taking care of family, siblings, etc. Dependents can tap into their dishonest "people pleasing" and feel invisible, neglected, and never good enough. Our reaction mode is on high and can trigger deep, hurt feelings, which then triggers our judgment, anger and finger-pointing. Resentments can be triggered by getting the smaller room to stay in during the holidays, or having to clean up after the entitled dependent.
Most of us love our families, but they can easily be judged through the warped glasses of unconscious codependence. It can sometimes be extremely difficult to separate the personality from the codependent role, but that is the goal. The truth is that codependence can swallow and leave very little of a personality to love. Just know that they were probably conditioned under extreme fears of abandonment, trauma and pressure to survive. The codependent role became a powerful shield and broken tool which they have not learned to shed.
Going home for the holidays can be loaded with emotional triggers and land mines waiting to go off. Revisiting our unconscious codependence roles can conflict with the spiritual tone of the holidays and create a self-conscious message that says "I should be happy and excited but I'm guarded, angry and sad."
Controllers can be oversensitive for having to carry the emotional load, taking care of family, siblings, etc. Dependents can tap into their dishonest "people pleasing" and feel invisible, neglected, and never good enough. Our reaction mode is on high and can trigger deep, hurt feelings, which then triggers our judgment, anger and finger-pointing. Resentments can be triggered by getting the smaller room to stay in during the holidays, or having to clean up after the entitled dependent.
Most of us love our families, but they can easily be judged through the warped glasses of unconscious codependence. It can sometimes be extremely difficult to separate the personality from the codependent role, but that is the goal. The truth is that codependence can swallow and leave very little of a personality to love. Just know that they were probably conditioned under extreme fears of abandonment, trauma and pressure to survive. The codependent role became a powerful shield and broken tool which they have not learned to shed.

When all is said and done, the person we are usually angry and upset with is ourselves for not setting a boundary and still being a slave to our own knee-jerk codependent reaction. A family member or friend may be impossible to be around, but if you visualize them as a scared, traumatized child desperately trying to feel loved and accepted and always being rejected and emotionally abandoned, it may help create a window of compassion for their painful struggle...this includes ourselves. We are not in control of our family's codependent roles, but we can learn to separate ourselves from our own unconscious conditioning and develop compassion and unconditional love for those still struggling under the codependent under tow.
My own father had a “highly charged” controller role. I use the words “highly charged,” to describe that during his childhood my father experienced extreme fears of rejection and abandonment on the addict's loop, which made him cling to his inherited controller role to survive. Unfortunately, my father never counter conditioned his controller role and things I personally accomplished in my life were usually never good enough. The challenge for me was to create a birds eye view and realize it wasn't personal. The multi-generational controller role has been programmed to keep the dependent role needy, broken, entitled and subservient. Over the years, I learned to focus on my father's positive qualities and make those the center of our relationship. I also learned, to stay out of my dependent role, which wanted to “people please” him. This did not heal our relationship but it kept it sane. My father passed away a few years ago and when I remember him it's about his positive qualities not his inherited controller role.
Codependence is a insidious lie that destroys unconditional love, creating a cruel, temporary "fix" to feel connected and whole. Unconditional love unselfishly stands outside itself and understands with wisdom and compassion the painful internal struggle of unconscious codependence.
My suggestion for you over the holidays is become aware of your own codependent role(s) and practice your separation and freedom. You are allowed to set simply boundaries to stay out of your codependent role(s) and still keep it light, fun and polite. The road to freedom involves contrary action. Think of the way you always wanted to be loved by your family, invert it, and project that love toward them. During the holidays, rising above the ball and chain of unconscious codependence can become our true celebration of spirituality, unconditional love and freedom.
Copyright 2014
My own father had a “highly charged” controller role. I use the words “highly charged,” to describe that during his childhood my father experienced extreme fears of rejection and abandonment on the addict's loop, which made him cling to his inherited controller role to survive. Unfortunately, my father never counter conditioned his controller role and things I personally accomplished in my life were usually never good enough. The challenge for me was to create a birds eye view and realize it wasn't personal. The multi-generational controller role has been programmed to keep the dependent role needy, broken, entitled and subservient. Over the years, I learned to focus on my father's positive qualities and make those the center of our relationship. I also learned, to stay out of my dependent role, which wanted to “people please” him. This did not heal our relationship but it kept it sane. My father passed away a few years ago and when I remember him it's about his positive qualities not his inherited controller role.
Codependence is a insidious lie that destroys unconditional love, creating a cruel, temporary "fix" to feel connected and whole. Unconditional love unselfishly stands outside itself and understands with wisdom and compassion the painful internal struggle of unconscious codependence.
My suggestion for you over the holidays is become aware of your own codependent role(s) and practice your separation and freedom. You are allowed to set simply boundaries to stay out of your codependent role(s) and still keep it light, fun and polite. The road to freedom involves contrary action. Think of the way you always wanted to be loved by your family, invert it, and project that love toward them. During the holidays, rising above the ball and chain of unconscious codependence can become our true celebration of spirituality, unconditional love and freedom.
Copyright 2014